Truth

Wow... it's been forever! I don't even know if anyone will read this on here, but that's ok.... 

WARNING: this is me in complete naked vulnerability. Enjoy or not, comment or don't. I just needed to release...

Ahh!!! My mind is spinning faster than my thoughts can keep up with! I just had a very interesting and deep conversation with a friend and it got me thinking about LIFE. What are we living for? Why are we here on this earth? What is truth and does it completely exist? Is there such a thing as universal truths? Is truth for me the same as what truth is for you, or anyone else for that matter? How do we know when we find the answers to these questions that they are the right answers, I dare say the truth?

In the core of my being, I know Truth. It has saved me from a life I never thought I could be saved from. A life of abandonment, abuse, distrust, dishonesty, fear, poverty (of riches and of the soul), and neglect. It saved me from a life that once entered, most people never escape; a life of brokenness that seems to exceed any amount of joy ever obtained. What is this Truth that I have found? This Truth is named Christ. I know that I know in the core of my being, the depth of who I am, that Christ is truth. He is the one who stepped into the brokenness and offered me a life of fulfillment; hope, love, peace and joy, but this fragile outer shell of a person I am living through every day forgets about Truth. She, the person that lives my life for me every day, truly only a fragile outer shell of a person, forgets who Christ is and that He is truth. She looks at the life around her and forgets that she was saved from despair, and once again steps into the fear, brokenness and depression of her past. She makes dumb choices and does stupid things with her life in pursuit of that Truth she has forgotten about. She steps back into the things that the Truth has already saved her from. As she is living in these things, she knows there is something wrong; something more to life than the monotony she is living. There is something deep within her gnawing at her soul, trying to get her attention for her to step back into the Truth, but she is too lost; lost in the fear and brokenness, lost in the choices she has made, lost in the past. She cannot find the Truth, cannot find God. She knows He is there, beckoning her to return to Him, but she is too lost to find Him. She does not remember how to reach out to Him, how to find Him, how to hear Him, how to let Him heal her wounds, how to pray, how to worship, or how to read the Bible and believe in what it says and let it connect with her soul. How does she do this? How does she truly believe in the Truth of Christ again? How does she reconnect with her heart, the core of her being, the person she was created to be?

God is teaching......
I am trying to learn

Can I just say AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, there I said it. I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends and it was good, frustrating, irritating, and just AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She didn't do anything to make me upset, she just told me something about a situation that made me so upset I wanted to scream (hence the above). I am the one who made a choice, so really i don't have the right to be upset, because from every choice we make there is a consequence, good or bad.
Anyway, I'm sure this is not making sense to anyone, I just had to get that out.
All this just to say, I could really use some prayer right now.

So, next weekend when I go home, my family will be moved into our new house. Weird. I've moved a million times, but every time is different, and this time was a little harder than some, easier than others. I was thinking about that and things I would and would not miss about the house we have now.

Things I am going to miss - my room (it's so big, and it was the thing that provided me with pivacy after my family moved out of all us living in one room, and the purple walls and huge closet), driving down the mile long driveway and seeing all the animals, sunsets, and just beautiful scenery, our "pet" peacock, sitting on the porch in the summer, all the flowers that betty, danielle and I planted, the peonies (i LOVE peonies), having an upstairs, the wood floors, not having neighbors, our couch, the big dining room for large get-togethers, plenty of parking space

Things I am not going to miss - those stupid elder bugs, the animals in the ceiling, a psycho bedroom light that would randomly turn itself on and off (no joke, it really did that), the highway being right by my ear, the long, dirty, bumpy ride down the driveway, the drive to the camp, having such a big house, the tiny washer and dryer, not having a bathtub, random people showing up at our door, driveway, and yard, the slanted hallway to the bathroom, the random sinkholes in my bedroom floor, the ugly carpet on the stairways

There is probably more that I am going to miss and not miss, but it is late, and I am tired, so I am going to bed. Overall, I'm pretty excited about our move. Unlike most people, I like change, and I think this will be a good one.

God Bless

Every time I go to write an entry, I want to say "God is doing so much," and I'm sure it can't seem like God is doing that much, or it may just be annoying, but it's true in my heart. He is doing soooo much, and most of it I either can't put into words, or right now is not the right time to share. What I can say is that I am seeking God's direction and praying that he keeps revealing to me the next steps. I have a HUGE plan in my mind, and I just ask you who are reading this for your prayers, because if it is God's will it will be AMAZING, but if it isn't, it could be disastrous. So, Lord I pray that you would close my eyes to the plans of my flesh and let me see through your eyes, and know through your knowledge. Thank-you Lord. I also could use prayer for me and a friend of mine. I feel like we are on the outs, and she is so important to me. She says everything is ok, but we went through a little rough patch, disagreements of beliefs I guess, and it doesn't feel like we are moving our friendship forward.

In other news, school is going great. We have our February Formal tomorrow, well technically today, Monday. It's just for my building and the building it's connected to. We are dressing up and eating in the upper level of our dining commons, which is used for "special occasions." We get to wear prom dresses, and I'm wearing my maroon one that I wore for my pageant and junior year winter formal. I'm so excited. I love dressing up! It makes me smile. YAY!

Goodnight and blessings to all. I should get some sleep for classes tomorrow. May the love of Christ be with you.